


5 times Tony Stark wore something ridiculous + one time everyone else did too

by Aurum18



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Deadpool being Deadpool, Dress Up, Minor Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Monster of the Week, Multi, Pepper and Tony are cute, Pop Culture, Post infinity war- as in the technology but no mentions really of what happened, Power Swap, Sassy, Sassy Tony Stark, Science Bros, Slime, Snarky Tony Stark, Some relationships in tags are just hinted at and mainly just attraction, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric, Wade Wilson Breaking the Fourth Wall, america's ass, basically just assume they won and it wasn’t overly traumatic, endgame pepperony, if that means what i hope it does, like as in Steve has a crush and I would put one sided but you never know..., morgan is only mentioned, no endgame spoilers really, pepperony is the main ship, shuri is only mentioned, so everyone lives yay, so really it’s post endgame but endgame hasn’t happened yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2019-10-28 10:32:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17785724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurum18/pseuds/Aurum18
Summary: As much as Tony loves to prance about in his designer suits and band t shirts he also doesn’t care what he wears and everyone else is left wondering how Tony Stark looks ridiculously fashionable and hot in basically anything. At all.





	1. Cassie’s makeover

‘Oh my God’ said Steve Rogers upon entering the quinjet.

‘Language’ snarked the reason for his exclamation: Tony Stark.

Steve had been summoned to  fly out to Chicago where there had been multiple reports of a group of super powered people terrorising citizens who needed to be sorted out.

He'd been prepared for lots of snarky comments and possibly an argument if Stark rubbed someone up the wrong way (which happened quite often). Not this.

Stark raised an eyebrow at him, looking at him over a pair of flamingo sunglasses. Flamingo sunglasses and that wasn't the worst part.

‘Are those hulk swimming trunks? ‘ Steve asked, his voice involuntarily raising an octave in shock and disbelief.

‘Speedos, Cap ‘ huffed Stark turning back to Doctor Strange who he'd been having a discussion with. ‘We've been over this’

‘Aren't you going to comment on the Barbie top? ‘ Strange asked Steve, sounding slightly more amused than usual.

Steve looked at it in despair. Tony Stark was casually standing in a room of suited up superheros in flamingo sunglasses, gold flip flops, a straining bright pink Barbie t shirt (which was so small, half his stomach was exposed) and a pair of Hulk-print swimming trunks that were blinding Steve just a little. He was also smeared with glitter in several places.

Also, because it was Tony Stark he was still managing to look completely fashionable, somewhat impossibly.

‘Why-? ‘ started Steve but was cut off by Stark.

‘Hey, I thought we were meant to be getting our game on and planning how to defeat a bunch of jacked-up adolescent wannabes? ‘

‘Yes, as I was just saying-’ Strange started but Steve couldn't really concentrate as they took off,eyes strangely glued to Stark and his attire and fascinated by how the billionaire was pulling it off.

‘He met my daughter’ whispered Scott who had crept up beside Steve.

 

‘Huh? ‘ Steve uttered, not taking his eyes off the spectacle still.

‘Cassie really wanted to meet him and I asked Tony and he said okay which I was shocked by and she wanted to play dress up and he obliged which I was even more shocked by- he was already wearing the speedos though she let him keep them because she liked them, something about Brony she said. Though I swear last time I checked that was something to do with My Little Pony‘

‘Say what? ‘ said Steve snapping his head round. ‘Stark let your little girl dress him up and he was casually wearing Hulk swimming trunks? ‘

‘Yep’ confirmed Scott.

‘Wow’ sighed Steve, adjusting his views of the world accordingly . ‘Just wow’

‘Are you listening over there spangle-pants and Mr shrink-a-lot, we're discussing a plan here, you know trying to save lives whilst you fangirl over my sexy get-up in the corner’

‘Sorry’ huffed Steve. ‘You were saying? ‘

 

\---

 

When they arrived in Chicago, Steve had watched Stark tap his fancy new arc reactor thing so his suit fluidly spilled out of it over his outlandish get up. He didn't miss the tiny bit of disappointment the genius showed at having to remove his flamingo sunglasses.

Now there was a guy dressed up in a skintight red leather suit whirling two swords everywhere and generally seeming unbothered at Iron Man’s repulsor blasts.

‘Who are you?’ asked Steve as Ant Man ran onto his shield which he let loose at the guy.

‘I second that, spandex’ Stark snarked, blasting the guy with an extra strong repulsor and shaking his head at how the mystery guy didn't seem concerned at all with the hole now in his chest. Healing factor? Resistance to pain? ‘You're aren't one of the teenagers rumoured to be giving old ladies wedgies and causing mini earthquakes. Wings were mentioned several times… Unless someone cut them off- I couldn't blame them’

‘You even _sound_ like RDJ’ exclaimed the red-clad vigilante.

‘What? ‘ said Iron Man and Steve could almost picture the look Stark had on his face now. ‘RDJ who? ‘

‘Hand yourself in’ said Steve as the mystery guy sliced one of Strange’s illusion things in half.

‘No can do capsicle ‘ sing-songed the guy as he dodged several more attacks.

‘Hey! ‘ protested Stark catching the guy in the knee and causing him to fall on his face. ‘Only I'm allowed to call him that’

Antman returned back to normal size and Strange lowered his hands, sensing the fight was over but then suddenly the guy in red lurched up, ignorant of his leg which was at an unnatural angle, and slammed his hand into Stark's chest right on the reactor which caused the Iron Man armour to retract.

‘Shit’ swore Stark as his face became visible and the guy tackled him. ‘Shit, shit, shit I need to fix that’

Steve had to actually bite his tongue to stop himself for chastising the billionaire for his language. He was still getting teasing over the last time. He settled for swinging his shield into the back of the guy, expecting him to dodge and therefore get off Stark but he didn't move.

Strange created some sort of energy bonds which he secured to the vigilante without any protest.

The red guy sighed, almost happily. ‘I have to say Tony, you're just as attractive as in the movies and those muscles definitely weren't cgi’

‘What movies? ‘ Stark demanded who was trapped with the leather and spandex guy restrained on top of him. ‘Please don't tell me you're a fan of the sex tapes’

‘Sex tapes?! ‘ exclaimed Steve, he'd known Stark was a playboy- he'd even admitted as such but _videos_?

‘Don't get your panties in a twist Cap, everyone's seen them at least once’ Stark rolled his eyes. ‘I'm on pornhub’

Steve tried to remove unfortunate images assaulting his head and spluttered.

‘I've seen them’ Scott offered, pulling his helmet back now that the guy was secure.

‘Me too’ admitted Strange, cooly.

‘And me! ‘ exclaimed the red guy. ‘Where have you been stripes? Frozen in ice for 70 years? ‘

‘So those were the movies you were talking about. ‘ huffed Stark who looked affronted to have a possibly turned on super fan all in his business.

‘Oh no those weren't the movies I was talking about’ said the guy.

‘What movies then? ‘ asked Strange, lowering his hands, though the restraints remained.

‘Oh you wouldn't know them- you guys aren't allowed to break the fourth wall’

‘Fourth wall? ‘ asked Steve.

‘Are you insinuating we're fictional characters? ‘ asked Tony incredulously.

‘This guy is odd’ agreed Scott.

‘Anyway, ‘ said the guy in red. ‘I love your outfit Mr Stark, I think you should wear it more often’

Steve suddenly remembered Stark's get up and realised that under the red spandex guy he was still wearing it. There was a stray flip flop a few feet away.

Stark rolled his eyes. ‘Glad you like it hot dog’

‘Hot dog? ‘ muttered the mystery guy. ‘I've never been called that before. You can call me Deadpool or Wade. Wade Wilson. ‘

‘Never heard of you’ snarked Stark. ‘Now is someone going to get him off of me? ’

Scott quickly hurried up to assist the billionaire.

 

\---

 

They'd had to do a little press conference later to explain the damage in Chicago. Apparently the teenage powered people was a rumor this Deadpool guy had started to meet the Avengers.  There was now a video of Tony Stark giving a speech at a press conference with all his usual narcissistic swagger wearing a too small Barbie top, Hulk swimming trunk speedos, one flip flop and the recovered flamingo glasses tucked into his top. The press were having a field day.

Steve Rogers definitely didn't watch it every now and then. And it definitely wasn't because Stark looked hot- if he did watch it, it was to laugh at the genius billionaire superhero.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this ❤️ inspired by the Dora watch and a fanfic where he wears a My Little Pony top and Spider-Man boxers of which I can’t seem to remember the name rn but I’ve written it down somewhere so I’ll find it and put it here asap. Also don’t ask why Deadpool is in Chicago- he just is okay?


	2. Binbag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony’s so sexy he’d look good in a bin bag...as half the world is about to find out.

Bruce really wasn't sure where Tony had got to.

He'd been working in his lab yesterday and he'd assumed that there was going to be another all-nighter when Bruce had left for bed. . He'd tried to convince Tony to get some sleep and had been so thoroughly sassed that he'd felt infinitely more tired and just had to go to bed. He was going to convince Tony to be healthy another day when he wasn't nursing a headache and about to fall asleep on his feet from working on something all day- he didn't know how Tony did it all the time to be quite honest.

Upon the lack of snarky Stark in the lab he decided to check his room because Bruce really doubted that he'd actually been healthy and taken himself to bed for once- Pepper could easily persuade her fiancee but she was away at the moment, leaving only Bruce to try and persuade the billionaire to actually do basic human functions.

Somewhat unsurprisingly, Tony wasn't in his room.

‘Jar- No I mean Friday? ‘ asked Bruce. ‘Yes Doctor? ‘ the AI replied smoothly.

‘Is Tony in the building? ‘

‘No Doctor,  he left roughly 1.5 hours ago’

Bruce sighed, dragging a hand over his face. ‘Can you tell me where he is? ‘

‘I can show you’ said Friday, sounding slightly amused.

The screen in Tony's room lit up to reveal a live video feed on Instagram of Tony Stark wearing absolutely nothing but a binbag, hair sticking up everywhere and using a bin lid as a shield against some sort of unknown monster thing that looked like a pile of goop.

‘Please tell me he's wearing pants under that ‘ Bruce huffed, another headache already forming. Even the other guy seemed to be feeling despairing.

‘I cannot say for sure without sufficient scanning cameras’ Friday admitted.

‘How many people have seen this? ‘ Bruce trotted downstairs in search of a vehicle to retrieve the ridiculous genius.

‘As of this second, 1.5 billion if I include stats of other footage and posts of this occurrence ’

‘Oh my god,  Pepper’s going to kill me’

Bruce hopped into one of Tony's flashy cars in the garage, shaking his head at the keys left in the ignition.

‘How fast can you get me there Friday? ‘ Bruce asked.

‘22 minutes. Don't forget to take a nano arc reactor- boss appears to have misplaced his’

 

\----

 

Tony dodged another sludge attack, having to roll which had probably caused his bin bag to dislodge slightly which would probably give the press and a large fan base of his (which was comprised of way too many teenagers, by the way) a field day as there was a huge crowd of people filming this a bit too close for comfort considering the sludge monster.

Let them look, he thought. My ass is nothing to be ashamed of.

The sludge monster groaned threateningly and Tony raised his bin lid defensively. ‘Bring it on Krindlekrax’

Unsurprisingly, the monster took offense to this nickname- probably because it was too obscure to be a pop culture reference and it didn't look anything like a crocodile, even if it had probably crawled out of a sewer somewhere.

It spat another mountain of sizzling goop at him and he dodged again, sighing. ‘Can't you just give it up already, toxic waste? I haven't slept in 52 hours, you stole my epic nano reactor and I'm wearing a binbag - and despite looking utterly fabulous in the process, it's starting to get to me’

The thing roared and casually doubled in size. ‘Guess that was a no then’

This morning he had just finished showering, due to a failed experiment in the lab going everywhere, when the sudden desire to get a coffee at that bar in town overcame him: it was open 24 hours and sold coffee, smoothies and alcohol at all hours and could always be counted on as a place to have a good time.

Unfortunately for the more professional side of his reputation, he'd been so sleep deprived that he'd only remembered to put boxers and his nano reactor on.

He only realised what he was wearing when he got a few more funny looks than usual at the bar. It was less ‘Oh my god is that Tony Stark ‘ or ‘He's the reason my son is dead let's kill him’ but more ‘why is Tony Stark standing there in his pants’ and ‘he's so hot I might spontaneously combust-  it's too early for this shit’.

Coherent enough to realise his dilemma he'd decided to head back, usually he'd stay and act like nothing was amiss because Tony Stark does what he wants but Pepper had stressed out so much over the Hulk speedos incident that he didn't feel like giving her further stress and possible lawsuits if someone tried to jump him.

. Unfortunately, there was something waiting outside that had stolen the reactor and his boxers leaving him naked and undefended.

Usually, he would've carried on naked because Tony Stark does what he wants and there were already many videos of him naked floating around the internet but he decided he should, once again, cause Pepper less stress and find something to cover up.

To his dilemma, there was nothing in reach to do so whilst fending off a mysterious sludge monster other than a roll of binbags, discarded on top of a nearby set of bins.

He was actually very proud of his putting on of a bin bag outfit whilst simultaneously battling the sludge monster which seemed quite smug having conquested Tony's nano tech and, for some unknown reason, his pants.

He almost wished someone had noticed earlier and caught the epic sequence on camera. Almost. He was still trying to ease Pepper’s stress.

Anyway, after an unfortunate eternity (which was probably closer to half an hour) . of trying to reclaim his reactor and stop the _thing_ from dissolving innocent gawking bystanders with a makeshift shield that was a bin lid, he had just admitted it was getting to him.

The creature seemed unaffected by Tony's quips but someone familiar sounding was chuckling behind him.

‘Tony, this is the one time I wish you'd stayed in your lab’

‘Bruce! ‘ Tony exclaimed, raising the lid to stop another attack.

‘Only you could manage this’ Bruce huffed, coming to stand next to him, eyeing up Tony's outfit.

‘This isn't _my_ fault’ he protested indignantly. ‘Slimer here stole my pants- all I wanted was a coffee! ‘

‘You better take this’ said Bruce, tossing Tony something which he caught with his spare hand. ‘I don’t think the other guy’s safe with all these people around filming you.’

It was another nano tech reactor, Tony quickly slapped it onto his chest where it stayed. Bruce was a life saver.

‘What can I say?’ Tony laughed, tapping his chest and letting the suit expand over his get up. ‘I’m just too sexy in a bin bag’

Before the slime monster could steal his new reactor, Tony charged up the repulsors  and fired them a dozen times in quick succession which was very efficient in reducing the goopy monster thing  into a (non sentient ) pile of smoking slime with a soggy pair of boxers and a nano reactor in the middle of it.

‘Fun times’ Tony quipped.

‘Fun times’ agreed Bruce looking at the steaming puddle. ‘Where did that thing even come from?’

‘Don’t ask me- it just ambushed me and stole my reactor and pants’

‘So you keep saying, but where did the rest of your clothes go?’ Bruce queried, probably having noticed that there was only a pair of soggy boxers present in the creature’s remains.

‘Ah’ said Tony, his head piece receding back onto the rest of the suit. ‘I forgot to put them on’

‘Tony!’

‘What?’ Tony huffed. ‘I haven’t slept in like 3 days, sue me.’

‘Millions of people have seen videos of this- as sexy as you looked, Pepper’s going to kill you’

‘I know’ Tony sighed, silently reflecting his life choices. He needed a shower and that coffee he’d been after in the first place and- ‘Wait, did _you_ just call me sexy?’

Bruce looked thoroughly embarrassed.

Tony smirked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, hope you enjoyed this!! Never written a fanfic that’s purely Marvel before I realised, just crossovers...my first ever fanfic was a crossover on wattpad which I tried to put every fandom in and called it ‘The Craziest Crossover’ it was only a couple of years back yet the chapters are like 100 words long (if that), with giant bulky paragraphs, bad grammar, cheese and confusion galore. 😂 I like to think I’ve come a long way since that shitshow


	3. Onesie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony is persuaded to take up a new hobby by Pepper...

Tony eyed Pepper suspiciously as she entered his workshop- there was a look on her face that only meant trouble for him. It was a look that meant Tony was about to be persuaded (coerced) into doing something he actually rather wouldn't and he sighed in preparation, fiddling with the components in front of him.

‘Tony ‘ greeted Pepper coming round his workbench to rest her head on his shoulder. He immediately relaxed into her touch despite knowing that she was after something, he felt like Pepper and Rhodey were the only ones he could let his guard down around even though he had plenty more people that he was quite close to these days. Even Steve and him had become closer again after the whole Thanos end of the world debacle but Tony knew for sure that they'd never fully trust each other again, not that they'd liked each other too much in the first place. Peter was the only other person (outside of Pepper, Rhodey and Happy) that he felt fully safe in the presence of but Tony felt like he needed to act strong for the kid despite his trust in him and despite Tony showing more emotion in front of the kid these days because it was, after all, impossible not to after he'd died in front of him. He couldn't bear to lose him again.

Tony quickly turned his mind off that topic and turned back to the matter at hand- the integration of advanced cloaking technology into his nano suit- the particles seemed oddly resistant to it, probably because it was alien technology as was needed when wanting to cloak something so well you could walk through it like it wasn't there, something about the foreign elements didn't mesh well but he was Tony Stark- he refused to let this tiny irrelevant problem defeat him- he'd created Mark 1 out of scraps in a cave in a desert and had survived space (with Nebula’s help), using the spaceship around them whilst starving and asphyxiating to death, motivated by avenging the deaths of their loved ones by destroying Thanos.

‘Are you okay? ‘ asked Pepper, rubbing his back comfortingly. ‘You're shaking again’

Tony glanced up at the look of concern on her face and sighed again. ‘Sorry, I'm fine’

‘No you're not, ever since Thanos you haven't been the same- after New York you were taking it hard enough but this has pushed you over the edge Tony, I'm worried. ‘ Pepper gently took his hands and pulled them away from his project. ‘I think you deserve a break from your work’

Here it was. The reason that look had been on her face when she came in.

Tony gave up on what he was doing entirely and turned to face her. ‘What is it that you've planned’

‘What? ‘ Pepper exclaimed. ‘Nothing, why would you assume that-’

He gave her a look.

‘I care about you Tony’

‘Uh huh ‘ said Tony. ‘I love you too’

‘I thought you might enjoy doing birthday parties’

Tony blinked. ‘Birthday parties? ‘

‘Yes, Tony. Birthday parties. ‘

‘What? ‘

‘You've been enjoying outlandish outfits lately-’

‘Okay, not really my fault-’

‘And you've been getting on with Cassie Lang-’

‘I'm pretty sure she wants to kill me-’

‘And I thought, seeing as you're officially retired from the avenging business - ‘

‘I did say I would help if absolutely needed remember? ‘

Pepper sighed. ‘I know… Anyway I thought, as you are incapable of not doing anything, you might like to do kids’ birthday parties’

Tony looked at her, frowning. ‘No one in their right mind would trust me around their kids. ‘

‘People would. And they should- if anyone thinks you're some sort of irresponsible selfish psycho still then I will personally - ‘

‘Okay let's not get into the dirty details Peps. I have complete faith in your ability to murder’

Pepper narrowed her eyes at him.

Tony narrowed his eyes back, because he might be 49 but some aspects of his personality were that of a kindergartner. Also, he'd been hanging around Cassie who could be petty as hell sometimes.

‘So will you do it? ‘

‘Sure’ said Tony, collapsing back onto a chair and swinging around a little. ‘But we're not making people pay’

Pepper raised an eyebrow. ‘Really? ‘

‘What? ‘ huffed Tony. ‘I'm not just letting a bunch of spoilt kiddies with billionaire parents have these birthday parties-’

‘I wasn't talking about the money’ she rolled her eyes. ‘I didn't actually expect you to say yes. ‘

Tony laughed, pressing a chaste kiss to her lips. ‘Then why did you bother asking’

She smirked, smoothing a few loose strands of hair out of his face ‘You can be extremely unpredictable sometimes. I had hope’

‘So am I wearing my suit? ‘

‘Of course not’ gasped Pepper, pulling away from him. ‘We're talking little kids and you're talking about a weaponised high tech suit- what if a 3 year old accidently set off something? ‘

‘It wouldn't’ protested Tony. ‘My designs-’

‘ _I_ know it wouldn't but not every parent has the right amount of respect for your genius and inventions, also it will take me hours of writing out risk assessments which you will most likely ignore'

‘What am I wearing then? ‘ wondered Tony.

 ‘Oh, I've got just the costume’

 

\----

 

He did about 10 parties dressed up in a (it's totally harmless Tony) rabbit onesie, dancing and telling stories about (non traumatic) missions before he put his foot down (and about half the world including almost every avenger and guardian alike did too)  and held ‘magician’ parties instead, decked out in his favourite designer suits using his tech to awe young generations, especially when he figured out how to work that advanced shielding technology.

However, in the future Tony would occasionally wear the onesie to some parties for funsies or some other ridiculous get up just to remind the universe (and certain avengers) that he was Tony Stark who gave no fucks and who could pull anything off effortlessly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when rdj wore that bunny outfit (I can't remember why if there was a reason) but this chapter is inspired by that


	4. The Iron Man Dress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically what it says on the tin... With Peter Parker and co

Tony had been in the process of conquering the internet via his new, week old Instagram account when he saw it. 

A load of people had messaged (‘Boss, I believe the correct term is DM) him and despite Peppers warning not to look, he just  _ had  _ to take a peek. 

That was when he saw it. Someone had sent him a picture and the post belonged to an account which had a link in their description (Mr Stark, it's called a bio)  which led to a website which sold it. 

When Natasha had written her assessment report on Tony way back when, she'd listed compulsive behaviour. He'd protested that in his defense it had been the week prior but now he could admit he did have a slight problem with it. 

However, he could fully justify why he'd bought it if asked: it's not like the price would make the slightest dent in his income, it was badass, it was pretty, it was cool, Cassie would love it, he would make his adoring (ha) public happy, need he go on?? 

So Tony, unabashedly put it in his cart and checked out. He had decided, as Pepper had made him wear rabbit onesies, that his wearing of it would not cause her great stress, but he would need to think up several convincing excuses and analogies for when she inevitably confronted him about it. But, for now, he'd enjoy this, Tony thought as he selected next day delivery. 

This was going to be so good. 

 

\------------

 

Peter Parker was on a lunch break, officially hanging out with Ned and unofficially hanging out with MJ (she'd plopped herself down into the seat opposite them and glared at them so fiercely they'd decided not to mention it- it had been happening a lot lately but MJ would deny hanging out with those two ‘losers’ until her dying breath probably). 

He stopped looking at MJ quickly, upon realising he was admiring her pretty eyes as they scanned her book- if she knew what he was thinking, he was pretty sure he'd die a painful death which even Mr Stark could not prevent. 

Instead, he turned his attention to his phone, more specifically : Instagram. He had a personal account and a verified ‘Spiderman ‘ account. The difference in his followers was in the millions- it was a bit awkward. But, Tony Stark was one of the followers of his personal and so he'd probably have a lot more followers if he switched it off private which he couldn't because it would risk his identity as people might put two and two together.

He huffed at the ridiculous amount of notifications for his Spiderman account and instead switched to his personal and started scrollinf through his feed. He hadn't got very far when he saw it. 

‘Oh. My. God. ‘ said Peter, double tapping in a daze. 

‘What’ said Ned, peering over his shoulder. 

‘Oh. My. God. ‘ said Ned, eyes widening almost comically. 

MJ huffed and put down her book. ‘What is it? ‘

Ned gently pried the Starkphone out of Peter's hands and pushed it over to MJ. 

MJ looked at it a second, blinked, then laughed. 

‘Idol’ she said before going back to her book. 

Peter quickly reclaimed his phone and stared at it a little more. ‘I think Pepper's going to actually kill him this time’

‘I personally think the bin bag was worse’ protested Ned. 

‘Yeah but Mr Stark did this on purpose - the bin bag was an accident. ‘

Ned nodded slowly in agreement. ‘Maybe you should call him’

Peter narrowed his eyes at his best friend. ‘You just want me to call him so you can hear his voice. ‘

‘Yes, but this is an emergency I think you need to call him’

Peter huffed at him. ‘Emergency? ‘

‘Pepper Potts is a scary woman’ pointed out Ned.

‘Damn right’ agreed MJ, not looking up from her book. 

‘Okay’ surrendered Peter, clicking the first number on speed dial. 

It rang once before it was answered ‘Hey kiddo’

‘Hi Mr Stark’

‘What do you want, I'm very busy’

‘No he's not’ said MJ, raising an eyebrow and not looking up from her book still. 

‘I was just on Instagram and-’

‘Did you see my picture?!! ‘

‘He sounds like a little kid’ deadpanned MJ, raising her eyes slightly. 

‘Who's that? No never mind- the picture- what did you think?? ‘

‘It's, err, very nice Mr Stark’

‘I know right?! ‘ bubbled the 49 year old billionaire. 

MJ abandoned her book and rolled her eyes, now unabashedly listening in. 

‘Not to be rude, Mr Stark but isn't Miss Potts going to, err, kill you? ‘

‘I've prepared a report in my defense’ he brushed Peter's concerns off quickly. ‘Now back to the matter at hand- isn't it the most beautiful dress you've ever seen? ‘

‘It's a dress with iron man and your face printed all over it’

‘Beautiful’ sighed Mr Stark. 

MJ laughed. 

‘Who  _ is  _ that Peter? You have a secret girlfriend you're hiding from me and Aunt May? ‘

‘N-n-no’ stammered Peter, embarrassed, holding the phone away from him like it would hide the awkward.

Instead it gave him a prime view of Mr Stark's face as he popped up, apparently having changed the call from audio only to a video call. 

‘You're had me on speaker’ accused the billionaire. 

‘No I didn't Mr Stark’ Peter blushed.

‘You're blushing’ pointed out MJ, smug.

‘Yes you did, my phones have excellent noise cancelling technology to keep private conversations private, way better than any earphones (except for my ones of course) now let's find out who that is…’

Mr Stark smirked and several somethings flew out of Peters phone before a second later, the image of Mr Stark was replaced with a 3D hologram, gently glowing blue. 

‘What the fuck Peter?! ‘ yelled the distinctive voice of Flash from across the canteen. 

‘Mr Stark! I'm in school’ protested Peter. 

The genius was not listening instead appearing to be focused on something on his screen then ‘Aha! Michelle Jones’

Peter gaped.

‘That's a little creepy’ sighed MJ, examining her nails. 

‘Did you just scan her to hack something to find out who she is? ‘ gasped Ned.

‘Err, yeah’ the hologram Tony rolled his eyes. ‘Those little floating devices aren't needed for the hologram but are needed for visuals of the surrounding area. ‘

Peter narrowed his eyes at the tiny floating devices that were in the air scattered evenly around the hologram. ‘I'm in  _ school _ , Mr Stark’

‘I can see that’ he said, looking straight at Flash across the canteen who was now looking a little gobsmacked. 

‘Anyway, thoughts on my dress- ratings out of 10 please’

‘10’ said Ned immediately. ‘I'm a big fan Mr Stark’

‘Mr Stark? ‘ said the billionaire. ‘Not you too… Michelle, what do you think? ‘

The hologram turned and faced her. 

‘My friends call me MJ, 9.5’

‘9.5?!’ exclaimed Tony, looking ridiculously shocked. ‘Okay, tell me why right now’

‘ Do I have to justify my opinion to you? ‘ yawned MJ. ‘Because I was just reading my book’

Tony Stark blinked at her, once, twice then shook his head. ‘I like you’

Peter pretended not to see the tiny smile on her face in reaction to that, to preserve her dignity.

Mr Stark turned and looked at him. ‘Petey? ‘

‘Huh? ‘ 

‘Your rating? ‘

‘I think it's wonderful Mr Stark, very cool, very fashionable 10 out of 10 totally’ babbled Peter. 

‘Is that sarcasm I detect sp- kiddo? Has Peter #2 been teaching you bad things ‘

MJ looked up sharply at Mr Stark’s almost slip and Peter looked at her worriedly. No one else would notice but she was pretty sharp and had already given him a heartattack by questioning the meaning behind his frequent disappearings quite a few times before dismissing it like a joke. 

‘No, Mr Stark of course not but  _ Mr Stark _ ’ Peter made desperate eyes in the direction of MJ, who had a calculating look in her eyes. 

The genius followed his gaze and then got a very profound ‘oh shit’ look on his face. 

‘Michelle-MJ,’ he said and she turned her calculating gaze onto him. ‘How bout you drop round mine after school with Petey and Ned?’

She raised an eyebrow at him before nodding. ‘Sure, if I'm not too busy’

Tony looked at her a second, probably deciding to kidnap her if she tried not to come knowing him, before nodding. 

‘Make sure to like my photo’ he addressed the canteen as a whole before saying ‘See you later kid’ and the hologram disintegrated, the little floating devices zipping back into Peter’ Stark phone.

‘I had no clue it could do that’ admitted Peter, staring at his phone. 

‘What the fuck, Peter?! ‘ yelled Flash again and a few teachers, who had drifted in at all the excitement of Tony Stark’s hologram, shot him a few looks about his language but didn't say anything. 

Peter then realised everyone in the canteen was looking straight at them and sighed.  ‘Let's get out of here’

 

\---------

Later, after Michelle had been debriefed and all the teens had gone home, Pepper arrived. 

‘TONY!!!! ‘ she yelled.

Tony gulped. 

‘ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME WHY THERE IS A PICTURE OF YOU POSING IN A SKIMPY IRON MAN DRESS ON YOUR INSTAGRAM?! ‘

Tony ran. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haven't proof read yet- feel free to leave constructive criticism


	5. Doctor Strange's Cloak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony hates that damned cape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for an anxiety/panic attack (probably not an overly realistic depiction though)

Tony regretted ever having met one Stephen Strange and it wasn't just because everyone died pretty soon afterwards. 

The main reason Tony resented most times he came across the man now was somewhat ridiculous but still utterly important: that damn cape. 

Within 10 minutes of meeting the wizard, his stupid sentient cape had slapped him on the ass. Tony, at the time, was unaware of the cape’s being sentient and had thought Strange had slapped him on the ass for stretching on his ridiculous cauldron thing.

‘I’ll allow that’ he'd said but now Tony refused to let the cape do anything to him, it wasn't even allowed to look at him  (no Pepper I do  _ not  _ care that it doesn't have eyes it  _ looks  _ at me). 

Unfortunately, Tony had to go to a odd ‘avengers dinner’ which unfortunately Strange was going to be at and he'd mentioned the other day that he'd be bringing that damned red thing because the press were going to be there because it was some sort of weird publicity PR thing and it was ‘part of his image’. 

How did a cape even become sentient? It did not obey the laws of science and usually (with the exception of wormholes) Tony was fascinated by such things: for magic was a science not yet understood by humanity but the cape just frustrated him. 

Also, he didn't understand why Strange was coming to this ‘avengers dinner’ when he wasn't technically an avenger (‘Tony, nor are the guardians’ Pepper had reminded him. ‘But I like them! ‘ Tony had exclaimed in defence. ‘Except for that Lord guy, I don't like him - does he have to come? ‘ ‘Tony! ‘). 

Tony scowled as he tied his blood red designer tie before doing up the blazer button of his several thousand dollar charcoal suit. That was another thing that pissed him off about that Cape- red was  _ his  _ signature colour and Strange was already barging in on him with the whole redeemed asshole thing and how he used to be rolling in almost as much money as Tony. He would not have his colour stolen too by a wizard’s upstart cape. 

Tony checked his reflection quickly in his full length mirror, pausing in his internal rant to admire the detailing on the pockets of his outfit, before heading out of his room in the Avengers facility towards the dining room. 

He was joined on the way by Clint who winked at him. 

‘What! ‘ snapped Tony.

‘Ooooo someone's snappy today huh? ‘ Clint chuckled. ‘Got out on the wrong side of bed? ‘

Tony raised an eyebrow. ‘You know exactly why I'm in a bad mood’

‘Ah’ said Clint, struggling to keep a straight face. ‘The cloak’

‘It's not a cloak, it's a cape’ corrected Tony, shortly.  ‘He's so  _ pretentious _ ’

Clint full out laughed. ‘Says you? ‘

‘Okay, first off: how dare you? Secondly, I'm not calling some stupid, ridiculous  _ cape  _ a cloak just because it's prissy ass demands it and I w-’

Tony was swiftly cut off as a blur of red came out of nowhere and there was a sudden influx of heavy fabric wrapped around his head. 

‘MMMPHRH!!!! ‘ protested Tony angrily, pushing down his initial panic at the darkness and sudden decrease in availability of oxygen knowing exactly what the culprit was. 

‘You're ridiculous’ scoffed a slightly muffled Clint. ‘Did you not realise he was just down the corridor? Because we're here? ‘

Tony frowned into the cape. Had they reached the dining room already? He'd really been caught up in his tirade. 

The cape twisted around his head further, probably completely ruining his carefully styled hair and concealer covering deep bags under his eyes. Tony growled and tried to wrestle it off with his hands but it wouldn't budge. 

‘Stark’ greeted an infuriatingly familiar tone.  ‘Strange’ replied Tony tersely, or tried to anyway- the damn cape was still tightly wrapped around his mouth making all attempts at speech unintelligible. 

‘You really need to stop insulting my cloak’ pointed out the wizard and Tony could just imagine the smarmy smug look on his stupid smarmy smug face right now. 

‘Cape’ he tried to correct but was rewarded by the thing wrapping around his head even tighter, so tight he could no longer breathe. He could no longer breath, he could no longer-

Tony flailed in panic, trying to rip it off so he could, so he could, dark, dark, he was going to die, the ten rings, water, drowning, the chitauri, nuke, wormhole, you know that's a one way trip, stars, Titan, running out, no oxygen, couldn't breathe, can't breathe… 

‘Behave’ snapped Strange and the cape was suddenly gone and Tony gasped in several deep breaths, hyperventilating and enjoying the bright light of day instead of the dark , the stars, endless space, no escape-

‘It's okay, Tony’ reassured Clint gently squeezing his shoulder. ‘You're here, you're safe it's just some stupid  _ wizard- _ ’

‘I don't control the damn thing’ snapped Strange, who didn't look as smug as Tony had imagined him to be. ‘I didn't mean to give him-’

‘ Get it off of him’ 

Tony was about to protest that the irritating cape wasn't on him anymore when he caught a flash of red and realised it had wrapped itself around his body. 

Tony blinked at it. 

Strange snapped his fingers at it and it did a gesture almost mocking the wizard and Strange sighed. ‘I can't, it likes him’

Clint looked pissed. ‘ _ It  _ gave him a panic attack’

‘Hey, I'm fine’ protested Tony, standing up straight and shrugging Clint’s hand off his shoulder. ‘Panic attacks? Me? Pfft! ‘

Clint gave him a ‘you've got to be kidding me’ look. 

‘No really, I'm fine- we've got a stupid dinner to get to just through that door’ Tony reassured Clint, and he was feeling a bit better now despite the cape still wrapped around him and… petting him? When he examined it further it was managing to make puppy dog eyes despite not having eyes and Tony realised it felt bad about what it had done. 

Strange huffed. ‘You might have to go in there with my cloak still on, it's very stubborn when it feels like it’

‘Seriously? ‘ asked Tony laughing suddenly, if a little shakily. 

‘Strange-’ began Barton threateningly before Tony placated him with a gesture.

‘No actually, I want to. I have a reputation for ridiculous outfits I have to maintain and what could be more ridiculous than this stupid garment? ‘

Strange narrowed his eyes and it was testament to the cape feeling bad that it didn't give Tony so much as a good natured slap at the insult. 

Tony beamed and pushed open the door into the lions’ den. 

Almost immediately there were flashes as the paparazzi noticed him and his unusual attire. 

Pepper was sat at the table but as soon as she spotted Tony she shot up and gave him a look™. 

He winked at her then turned to Strange and Clint. ‘I find this really odd and I’ve grown up famous- does eating dinner whilst the press eat canapés and take pictures not seem really odd to you? ‘

Clint shrugged and Strange frowned then Tony felt a tap on his cheek and looked down to find the cape nodding. 

He couldn't help but bowl over in laughter, the last traces of anxiety and panic fading away- maybe the cape wasn't so bad after all. 

 

\-------

  
Tony spat out some gluten free waffle the next day when a hysterically laughing Pepper dumped a newspaper in front of him- the front page had a photo of him wrapped up in the cape, doubled over laughing with Clint cut out, the rest of the avengers (and guardians) vaguely visible in the background and Strange staring straight at him looking almost fond- captioned in bold headline print: ‘IRONSTRANGE: ILLICIT LOVE AFFAIR??’


	6. Swapsies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki decides to fulfil his title as God of Mischief and Tony needs a break even though this is quite amusing....

Tony had been having a good day. No meetings to attend, no property destruction or self proclaimed super villains and lots of quality time in the workshop back in Stark tower, a breather from babysitting the team .

He probably should have known it would get worse when he got back to the facility to check on the avengers to find _Loki_ cackling and a huge, faintly blue, dome over most of the surrounding countryside.

Tony sighed, flicked off the engine of his brand new, flashy Audi E-Tron* and climbed out.

Loki smiled at him (which just no) ‘Welcome to the party, Stark’

‘Party? ‘ huffed Tony, feeling, sure enough, like his good day was about to take a nose dive. ‘I thought Thor said you'd given up the whole bad guy shebang’

‘Who said I'm being a bad guy? ‘ asked Loki, spreading his arms out like the diva he was.

‘Erm, the fact that you've made a giant blue dome over my facility and it's grounds? The facility of the people who are supposed to be protecting earth? Who really shouldn't be trapped in a dome in case of emergency? By a crazy guy who has tried to take over the world in the past?’

‘The God of Mischief has to get his kicks somewhere’ shrugged Loki with a smirk. ‘And no harm will come to your team’

‘Seriously? ‘ demanded Tony then quieter ‘I'm too old for this’

‘Oh don't worry, Stark. You're barely a fraction of my age’ Loki laughed.

‘What is all this then’ sighed Tony, leaning back onto his car and gesturing at the giant blue dome which started a few metres ahead of him, just shy of the facility’s front door, and covered the entire complex and what looked to be a fair number of fields and forest beyond.

‘Oh that's for you to find out’ smirked Loki. ‘Think of it like a training exercise! ‘

‘A TRAINI-’ Tony’s exasperated demand was cut off swiftly by a flash of blue light and a strange dizzy feeling like his insides has been shaken up.

He blinked open his eyes, which he had instinctively shut against the bright light, and found himself in a corridor on the top floor of the main building, a slightly eerie blue glow coming through the windows from that dome filtering the sunlight.

‘I knew he still had the space stone’ muttered Tony, angrily, for the teleportation and blue light was a dead giveaway. He went to brush himself off but stopped abruptly upon realising what he was wearing- he glanced down upon touching smooth fabric to find he was wearing Cap’s uniform.

Tony groaned. Why, just why? He looked like patriotism had puked all over him and it wasn't the super soldier’s latest gear, oh no, it was that awful bright spandexy get up from back in 2012. He kept thinking he'd seen the last of the dreaded costume but no. And now it was on him.

Tony tried to get it off, he’d take wandering about in his boxers any day over _this_ , but it refused to budge.

‘Loki!! ‘ he growled and he could've sworn he heard the echo of a laugh.

He set off down the corridor in search of anyone else- the way Loki had described it as a training exercise meant there was probably going to be something to fight. Something that supposedly wouldn't hurt them.

Tony saw his reflection in a dark window, rolled his eyes and muttered ‘At least my ass looks great. ’

 

\----

 

Natasha scowled. It wasn't an expression she pulled often but it was definitely required in this situation.

She'd been sitting with Clint, Sam and Wanda watching some quality television when Loki had appeared, informed them of an impending training exercise and disappeared in a puff of glowing blue smoke.

She was annoyed enough at the proof of Loki having hung onto the Tesseract but what had come next had truly pissed her off.

They’d been trapped unable to move for about 45 minutes with an eerie blue glow streaming through the window until they'd heard the roar of an engine which announced Tony returning then there had been another flash and Clint was suddenly wearing the Iron Man suit, a very confused face visible as the visor was up. Natasha glanced at Wanda to find she was kitted out in Thor’s armour with Mjolnir and Stormbreaker both deposited at her feet.

A laugh from Sam drew her attention to him- he was wearing Spiderman outfit but he wasn't laughing at himself or the others, he was laughing at Natasha.

She felt a brush on the side of her cheek and saw a flash of red and her eyes narrowed. She looked down at herself and sure enough, she was kitted out in Doctor Strange's favourite outfit and the cloak was draped all over her. As she sighed, it started to pet her hair.

‘Great’

 

\-----

 

Bruce eyed Steve warily, the second flash had brought about an outfit change and….

‘Oh god,’ huffed Steve upon trying to remove it and finding it not budging.

Bruce blinked. Assuming everyone had got a swapped outfit, Bruce had got the luckier end of the stick- he was wearing Falcon’s gear which was pretty much a basic stealth suit just with the added bonus of mechanical wings (which he actually really wanted to try out) but Steve?

‘Tony is not going to let you hear the last of this if he sees you’ Bruce pointed out.

Steve looked at him with wide panicked eyes and fiddled with the zip on his get up anxiously.

‘Also, Nat is going to murder you for touching her stuff’

Steve groaned and wriggled his shoulders, Natasha's signature outfit leaving nothing to the imagination, catsuit just barely fitting him inside- it had been magically altered somehow, Bruce could tell because there was no way the super soldier would have fitted in it otherwise and Sam’s clothes were fitting the scientist perfectly despite them being completely different sizes. Loki had made Steve's suit too snug on purpose.

Bruce had been feeling a little odd and suddenly he realised why. ‘The other guy is gone’

‘Have we swapped powers too?’ asked Steve, even more wide eyed and flexing his fist.

‘Quite possibly, though Loki must have the space stone or he wouldn't have enough power. Do you feel less, err, strong? ‘

‘Maybe, but Nat is pretty strong herself and also I haven't shrunk which means I must still have the serum’s effects at least a little…. Shall we find the others? ‘ suggested Steve, putting on a brave face.

‘Probably best’ answered Bruce, shuddered from the slightly empty feeling caused by the absence of the Hulk, and tried to ignore Steve's butt as he turned around to set off. Yes, Tony was definitely not going to shut up about this.

 

\--------

 

Peter grinned as he stepped into the common room to find everyone else already there. All decked out in each other’s stuff.

This was wonderful, his inner fanboy was screaming. His spidey sense certainly wasn't because he'd discovered his spider powers had gone but been replaced with something pretty awesome.

He'd been somewhat delighted to be unfrozen and wearing Scarlett Witch’s outfit because, even if she had a grudge against Mr Stark, she was very badass and Peter secretly admired leather jackets but never got the chance to wear them, what with his ‘class’ pet nerd’ status. And skinny trousers were surprisingly comfortable. Also, he could do _magic_ now.

He glanced around the room and spotted a disgruntled looking Tony entering through a door. He flicked his fingers about like he'd seen Scarlet Witch do and had been practicing on the way here and _flew_ (this was so awesome) over to him.

‘Mr Stark, you'll never believe what happened!! ’ Peter looked him up and down, noting he was wearing a costume he'd only ever seen on news feeds. Oddly enough the colours suited him. ‘And nice outfit’

Tony gave him a _look. ‘_ I kind of noticed what ‘happened’ myself when I found myself wearing this _thing_ and accidentally punched a hole in the wall, got the aforementioned fist stuck, pulled it out and managed to bring the entire wall _and_ roof down on me. Hence my being the last to get to this room’

Peter blinked at his mentor. ‘Are you okay, Mr Stark?? ‘

Tony huffed. ‘What do you th- what? ‘

He paused mid sentence and Peter frowned at him, following his gaze to find Captain America wearing Natasha's skin tight black cat suit talking to Vision (who was wearing Star Lord’s trademark outfit) .

Peter assessed how it was clinging to the super soldier and put it together with some clips on the internet and Tony's gazes in several avengers’ directions for as long as he'd been around and decided that Mr Stark was probably having an existential crisis over Steve Rogers’ butt.

As Peter watched, Vision noticed the look on Tony's face and notified Steve who abruptly turned around and started making his way over.

Tony looked slightly less like he was about to spontaneously combust now Steve's front was on display though he did seem to be having trouble keeping his gaze up still.

Peter whacked his mentor on the arm when Steve got close enough for it to be socially unacceptable. ‘Mr Stark, you have a fiancée’

Immediately Tony snapped out of it and narrowed his eyes at Peter.

‘Doesn't mean I can't appreciate the view’ he snarked.

‘What view? ‘ asked Steve who had arrived in front of them. ‘See you stole my old outfit, Tony. And Peter, Wanda's clothes strangely suit you…. ‘

‘Mmmhmm’ hummed Tony looking at Steve. ‘It's very… snug. And I'm not sure how you deal with the super strength to be honest. Plus I am _loving_ your outfit’

Cap narrowed his eyes at Tony’s sarcasm then looked at Peter like ‘can you believe this?’ Peter held back a grin and nodded solemnly.

‘So you have my enhanced strength? ‘ Steve asked.

‘Ask the collapsed ceiling upstairs’ snarked Tony, crossing his arms.

‘What?’ huffed Steve. ‘You collapsed the ceiling? ‘

‘ _I_ didn't. I'm blaming Loki’ quipped Mr Stark. ‘How many of us are here? ‘

‘Pretty much all the avengers and guardians plus Doctor Strange’ Steve answered, glancing around the room. ‘As far as I can tell, me and Bucky are the only ones who kept our ‘’powers’’- though Bucky has Mantis’ too’

Peter glanced around and spotted Mantis (who was wearing Black Panther’s suit) and Bucky (who was sure enough wearing her clothes)  in deep conversation.

‘Huh’ he said before looking back at Tony and Cap.

‘Any sign of a threat yet?’ Tony was asking. ‘Loki hinted that we might have to fight something except he also said no harm would come to us’

‘None of us have spotted anything so far’ sighed Rogers. ‘He called it a training exercise? ‘

‘Yeah’ Tony nodded before muttering ‘Little diva’

‘He visited you both? ‘ asked Peter.

‘Yeah’ said Steve turned to look at him. ‘He visited everyone, did he not visit you? ‘

‘Nope’ Peter popped the ‘p’ and scowled. ‘Which _rude’_

Peter frowned, wondering what exactly the God of mischief had against him.

‘How dare he’ agreed Tony vehemently, wrapping an arm around Peters shoulders.

Steve rolled his eyes and started to open his mouth to speak when the whole building shook.

 

\-------------

 

‘Ah’ nodded Tony, gripping a chair so tightly it started to creak ominously. ‘That would probably be the threat’

Steve looked at him him in exasperation . ‘Yes, probably’

 

‘How comes I don't get your shield?’ huffed Tony, looking out a window in search of whatever had caused the mini earthquake and yelped when a familiar vibranium shield nearly brained him,  it had appeared from thin air.

 

‘Loki!!! ‘ cursed Tony, strapping the offending object onto his arm.

 

‘Are you okay? ‘ boomed a familiar voice and sure enough, Thor had appeared behind Steve. He looked very happy. Probably because he was wearing Valkyrie’s outfit and was carting along a Pegasus.

 

‘Woah! ‘ gasped Peter from next to Tony, ducking out from under his arm. ‘Can I stroke it Mr Thor?? ‘

 

‘Of course, young spiderling’ boomed Thor, grinning.

 

Tony eyed the white winged stallion warily and muttered ‘Wow, just wow. ‘

 

‘Tony’ said Thor who was now petting the pegasus with Peter. ‘You are fine? My brother did not harm you?’

 

‘Physically, yes. Emotionally, not so much. Have you seen this outfit? ‘ Tony snarked.

 

Thor shook his head and looked Tony up and down. ‘I'm not sure, I think it quite suits you’

 

Tony frowned and looked down at himself assessingly.

 

‘Can we go find the bad guys now? ‘ asked Peter who was on top of the Pegasus, beaming. ‘I can't wait to use my new powers and Peggy wants to stretch her wings.’

 

‘Peggy’ deadpanned Steve and Tony took one look at the expression on his face and snorted, combined with the outfit it was just too much.

 

‘Yes kiddo, lets’ smiled Tony. ‘I can't wait to punch things and play frisbee’

 

Steve narrowed his eyes at Tony ‘Frisbee? ‘

Tony decided to ignore him and skipped off towards the doors, gripping the glorified frisbee in mention.

He sensed everyone else following his lead as he flung open the door.

Tony gaped. It was insane outside now, the entire lawn out back was covered in strange glowing ghostly figures in every colour of the rainbow whose faces looked quite pissed and were wielding gleaming swords and other various sharp things that unfortunately didn't look as incorporeal.

‘Well this is quite impressive’ mused a deep voice next to Tony and he turned to find Doctor Strange except… he looked very dishevelled and was only wearing some ripped purple pants.

Tony laughed ‘Out of everyone it had to be you’

Stephen looked at him, afronted and said pointedly . ‘I'm not quite sure what you mean’

Tony smirked and decided, before returning his attention to the horde ( who were staying behind an invisible line, for now) that he might as well as enjoy the view which was usually locked away behind a shirt and cape.

‘I'm guessing from the hobo chic look and pissed off expression that you've already hulked out?’ Tony laughed. ‘At least Brucie bear gets a little breather, I suppose though he does enjoy the hulk’s company these days… Where's your cape by the way? ‘

The shirtless sorcerer nodded behind him and Tony followed his gaze to find Natasha near the front of the crowd of superheroes next to Peter, Steve, Thor and the Pegasus. She had the cape all but wrapped around her head and looked supremely pissed off.

Tony gulped. ‘Don't eat me’

‘Oh I don't know’ growled Natasha, though Tony could see she was now fighting back a smirk. ‘I just might’

‘That's hot’ someone said and Tony rolled his eyes, pretty sure he knew exactly who had said that and, yup, he was right.

Peter Quill was standing there but what Tony could not have predicted was that he was in Rhodey’s armour.

‘Get out of that! ‘ snapped Tony irritably. ‘That's mine’

Quill raised an eyebrow ‘Actually I can't get out of it and-’

‘It's actually mine’ said Rhodey, appearing in Captain Marvel’s suit.

‘Oh _damn’_ whistled Tony, forgetting why he was pissed. ‘My honeybear lucked out’

‘You're still going with that nickname?’ Rhodey crossed his arms,Tony glanced down and noted the shape of his braces under the fabric of the legs and maybe Loki wasn't as much of a little bitch as he'd thought.

‘Honeybear will be our always’ simpered Tony and threw his spare arm around his best friends shoulders, carefully holding back the strength he knew he now had, and turned his back on the shimmering horde.

Which was, in hindsight, a bad idea.

‘Tony, watch out!! ‘ yelled a very familiar voice and Tony caught a glimpse of _Pepper_ (and was that Antman’s outfit?) before spinning around, bringing the shield up just in time to deflect one of the mean looking sharp thingys that one of the horde must have thrown, the horde which was now surging forwards.

Oh shit.

Suddenly, Loki’s face appeared on the surface of the blue dome and his amplified voice rang out. ‘If you get stabbed, it'll hurt but it won't harm you… well depending on the definition of the word: you will be stuck with a non lethal curse like, speaking in poetry for a week or if it is a fatal wound you might find it impossible to wear clothes for a month and so on’

‘Loki!!! ‘ yelled Tony and he wasn't the only one, he could easily identify Thor’s voice as the loudest in the chorus.

The demigod laughed and disappeared and everyone returned their full attention to the army.

‘Well this is going to be fun’ huffed Natasha, flicking the cape so it spun off her head and settled around her shoulders like a cape is supposed to and twiddled her fingers in an imitation of Doctor Strange and managed to get a shield on her first try.

This along with how quickly Tony had reacted to Pepper's cry meant Loki had somehow transferred skills along with the powers and outfits or something.

It was worth it to see the flabbergasted look on Stephen’s face though.

Tony hoisted up the shield, feeling strangely bare without his repulsors or armour and next to him, Rhodey started to glow and Quill popped the helmet down.

The ethereal creatures were still charging, almost reaching them and Tony and the others charged forwards to meet them.

 

\------

 

Pepper sighed as she put her helmet down and hit the button to grow. She thought it was kind of unfair that she'd ended up with the Antman suit instead of the Wasp because shrinking and having wings seemed like much more fun.

It was a strange feeling, growing, and she gritted her teeth until she was about the height of a regular sized building.

Why couldn't she have got Captain Marvel’s powers?? That probably wouldn't feel so odd, she really missed her Rescue suit which Nebula was in right now.

As Pepper stomped forwards, she hoped the soles of the shoes were thick enough that she wouldn't get stabbed by one of the weapons. She had a company to run and speaking in riddles or an allergy to clothing would be a hindrance.

She smirked as she managed to squash several of the beings underfoot and swung her first down onto some more before holding an arm out for Sam, who was in the Spiderman suit, to swing forwards.

As much as Pepper was annoyed at Loki for teleporting her out of her office earlier, she had to admit it was a little fun.

 

\--------

  


‘Whoooooooohoooo’ hollered Peter as he soured through the air, flinging the glowy things up through the air where they were shot down by Clint Barton with unerring accuracy in the Iron Man suit or shot down by whoever had Hawkeyes outfit, which he was pretty sure was Hope Pym.

He spun in the air, dodging a flying silvery spear and smiled at Carol as she soared past who had scored Vision’s powers and was zooming about, cape whipping, and obliterating the enemy with light from her forehead, she didn't have the mind stone though so Peter had no clue how that worked.

‘Not too far off my normal powers, kiddo’ she called and Peter ducked another projectile and laughed.

Something small whizzed past his ear then grew into a figure he recognized as the wasp but was now more man shaped who started to yell and slash the back of one of the creatures with a pilfered sword.

‘Hi, Drax’ called Peter as he swooped past and used the red magic to fling some glowy figures up into the blue barrier. They didn't come back down again and, dodging various spears, he looked up to find they had stuck to it like flies to a web.

He quickly pushed himself through the air over to Tony, who had totally mastered the art of the star spangled vibranium frisbee.

 

\--------

 

‘Mr Stark! ‘ called the familiar voice of Peter and he caught the shield as it spun back to him, whacking it once, twice into an opponents face before looking up at the kid who was floating in a red mist , dodging various weapons that were being thrown at him, and looking quite gleeful.

‘What is it kid? ‘ Tony gasped out as he held the shield up to deflect a sudden onlay of shining iridescent arrows.

‘They stick-’

A gasp and a gap in which Tony flipped over the head of a changing figure before taking out several legs with the shield.

‘-to the-’

Tony was suddenly bombarded by a group and he started a flurry of ducking, whacking, throwing and punching (when the shield was gone).

‘DOME!!! ‘ Peter finally finished.

‘Huh’ said Tony, having taken down the group with a little help from the red mist that Peter was controlling.

Sure enough, he glanced up to find several glowing creatures stuck to the glowing blue barrier.

‘Tell Clint to tell FRIDAY to broadcast it on the loud speakers, kiddo’ Tony told him, ducking under the next attack. These creatures just kept on coming.

‘Roger that! ‘ Peter saluted before flying off towards a streak of red and gold in the distance.

‘Just because I'm dressed like him’ muttered Tony sending the shield careening off into a crowd of the beings. ‘Does not mean I _am_ Rogers’

 

\-----

 

Bucky was on the far end of the field, almost in woods, fighting alongside the others who hadn't swapped with anyone with especially fancy powers or suits.

King T’Challa, who had seemed quite annoyed at being zapped out of Wakanda by Loki, was wearing the Winter Soldier gear and picking off the strange creatures with his rifle.

Scott Lang was somewhat moodily taking out the enemy in hand to hand wearing Nebula’s outfit, muttering about the unfairness of life and what he'd have given to get Danvers powers.

Nearby, Gamora and Rocket were fighting and appeared to have simply swapped outfits. They kept giving looks towards Lang, as if to say at least you got to wear something you don't see every day.

The Valkyrie, Brunnhilde, had scored Groot’s skills and was fighting elegantly with vines slamming into and impaling enemies.

Groot had on Princess Shuri’s outfit and was fighting with her tech, though Bucky had noticed the Princess herself was nowhere to be seen. He had overheard Stark complaining about her being ‘partners in crime’ with Loki though, apparently they got on like a house on fire and it was possible that she’d been spared and left in Wakanda to get on with her life or was having a picnic with Loki laughing at them all.

Bucky was finding it quite interesting fighting with Mantis’ powers, he still had the super strength and metal arm, which thank you Loki, but hand to hand was easier when he didn't have to bother getting the creatures into a choke hold, he could just will them into unconsciousness though these things probably weren't exactly alive as they had no emotions other than an artificial feeling anger, not even pain, but another way Bucky could defeat them was to force them to feel emotion when they came in contact - a guilty opponent didn't even need to be fought.

Just as he’d felled another figure there was a loud toot that echoed off the dome and the somewhat familiar voice of Stark’s AI rang out. ‘Attention, the enemy can be trapped on the dome, the enemy can be trapped on the dome.’

Bucky frowned and he sensed the others around him pausing in confusion too before a spotlight blared out the facility’s window and drew attention to a gaggle of rainbow glowing figures stuck, quite literally, to the dome above.

‘How are we meant’a get them up there? ‘ questioned Bucky, only just ducking a sword and getting a tiny scratch for his trouble, before knocking the opponent out.

‘I can take care of it’ declared the Valkyrie, flinging her arms out and growing a net of vines. ‘Bring it on’

Bucky caught her drift and started to herd the creatures towards her, swiftly touching them and manipulating their emotions into strong attraction to Brunnhilde and her net.

The others did herded them too until all the enemy in a 20 metre radius were in her reach and Valkyrie swiftly closed the net and flung them up so hard they all hit the dome and stuck.

‘I am Groot!!! ‘ declared the original plant creature triumphantly and proudly.

 

\---------

 

Steve was feeling slightly dizzy from all the spinning around, flipping and general gymnastics he’d been doing. Apparently Loki’s spell, or whatever it was, had transferred Natasha’s training style too.

If he had to do one more back flip, he reflected as he did just that before catching one of the figures in Nat’s signature thighs of death move, the pants of this suit were going to rip.

He heard a laugh and turned to see Tony flinging his shield around and, wow, his fighting style was impeccable despite usually being in an armoured, computer assisted suit. Probably Loki had transferred Steve’s training as well as his strength and suit- the alternative was…. to much to think about right now.

He lost sight of the genius momentarily as he took out a gaggle of creatures and sent them flying over to his kid who flung them upwards to the barrier with Wanda’s powers but when he played looked back he was doing a backflip and okay, that wasn't something Steve usually did so that was all Tony and so maybe he could fight outside of the suit after all….

‘Looking good, Cap!Widow’ called Tony, sounding slightly out of breath as he fended off several of the creatures yet still extremely amused.

Steve huffed and garrotted a small group of the figures before signalling the kid to throw them up. They'd almost taken care of all of them now- after the sticky dome thing had been figured out, it was much quicker going, especially thanks to Pepper who was scooping up tons of them and could actually reach the top of the dome.

He'd seen Natasha open portals to the top, Wanda electrocute them before whipping them up and Clint, Nebula and Quill had been taking trips up. Rhodes hadn’t bothered, just blasting them to smithereens and he'd seen Bruce flying about in the Falcon suit, taking garrotted groups up and a hulked out Strange literally throwing some.

As irritating as it was, Loki had actually devised a pretty good training exercise, especially if they remembered the techniques they'd learnt- Steve hoped he could ironically use the ‘thighs of death’ in future and he'd sleep easier knowing Tony, Rhodes and Pepper could take care of themselves if they were caught short without a suit.

Steve punched, flipped and tasted his way through the last few creatures attacking him before taking a breather and looking around properly.

There were only a few left now in an area without anyone else in it but they were quickly taken care of by Pepper’s antman boot.

 

\-------

 

The moment Pep squashed the last few creatures with her boot, the barrier and his shield disappeared, Tony suddenly felt impossibly more out of breath and more than a little shaky. Looking around, he noticed the fliers start to fall before being slowly lowered to the ground by glowing blue magic. So Loki had a heart then, though it could just have been Shuri persuading him-  don't think Tony hadn't noticed her absense despite the tree having her gear.

Their swapped powers had gone, Tony realised .

Tony was a bit annoyed though because he was still in Cap’s outfit whereas (a now normal sized) Pepper, Steve, Peter, Rhodey and actually everyone else was back in their normal clothing.

Tony tried to strip it off again and it refused to budge. ‘LOKI!!!!’

As if summoned by his angry yell, the god materialized in front of him. ‘It's only fair Stark, after all you were stabbed in the back’

Tony frustratingly found himself unable to move forward and throttle Loki and upon reflection he did remember a stabbing pain in his back earlier but he thought it was just a pulled muscle from the midair roll he’d just had to do.

‘There's no wound’ Tony pouted. ‘And everyone else is wearing their normal stuff! ‘

‘The blade dissolved, I do keep my promises and I'm pretty sure I promised no harm would come to you’ Loki pointed out smugly. ‘Don't worry, you only have to wear it for the next 6 months’

‘6 MONTHS!!!!!! ‘ shrieked Tony, not even aware his voice could go so high.

‘You _do_ have a reputation to uphold of course’ smirked Loki.

Tony gave up on all pretenses of not being a drama queen and collapsed to the floor, burying his face in his hands. Pepper was going to murder him.

‘Tony? ‘ Speak of the devil. ‘Why have you still got Roger’s suit on?’

Tony didn't reply, burying his face further into his hands but Loki smugly replied for him. ‘He's wearing it for the next 6 months’

‘Tony is this true?! ‘ Pepper’s voice was scarily shrill. ‘We're getting married next month!!! ‘

Loki started to laugh and, traitors, everyone else nearby joined in and Tony groaned.

 

\-------------

 

Quite a few other people had been ‘injured’ in the fight but in Tony’s opinion they got off quite lightly with speaking in rhymes or bright pink hair for a week, even Quill (who had somehow got impaled through the heart whilst wearing Rhodey’s suit) was only painted as a zebra for a year.

Tony had to wear a bright blue, star spangled monstrosity under his suit on his wedding day.

He'd thought it was finally everyone else's turn to wear something ridiculous but it had only lasted an hour or two.

Tony was beginning to think he was destined to wear ridiculous things all the time . Especially when Morgan was born and became extremely fond of Tony dressed up as various animals and the occasional ‘princess dress’ (and Tony would do anything for his little girl).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * (The Audi E-Tron: getting in on the blatant product placement lol, and it's the only car name flashy enough I could think of off the top of my head)  
> Hope you like this, I don't often write fight scenes because it's hard and I don't like to have too many characters in one place because it's hard so this was a challenge but I couldn't help myself. Any constructive criticism on how to write a fight scene is welcome.  
> Also this is the longest chapter I've ever, ever written by a long shot :'D and the second fic I've ever completed


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